I (don't) try stuff
I realized that I don't like trying stuff. Especially stuff I can "fail at."
But also stuff that takes a long time -- does this mean I don't like long projects or that I'm not patient?
Let's take a look at a specific example -- my programming. Recently, I started on AoC, where I simply solve small programming puzzles. This usually takes me a good chunk of an hour, and maybe even two if I'm stumped. Yet puzzlingly, I barely program anything else outside of these small challenge type problems. My github has many projects on it, yet all seem to be dormant/archived, and I have not worked on them for quite a while.
Maybe I just don't like programming? That's happened before to me.
But probably, I think I am failing to find a good project for myself to do. Upon seeing a project idea, my brain will categorize it into two buckets, either this is trivial, or this is too hard (this strategy works when you're doing math). Of course, I ignore everything trivial since they're, well, trivial, but for the advanced stuff that I think would be too hard or would take me too long, I don't even bother.
So in this way, I've isolated myself to a middle ground where I can only work on the "perfect" projects -- that I don't even end up finishing anyways.
It should be acknowledged that sometimes throwing things that are hard away is useful -- for example, making a app could be considered both too hard and trivial by me, but since it doesn't really align with what I want to do or pursue, that's fine to leave out.
So what do I do about this? I guess let's take some more projects and figure some more stuff up.
The same problem happens with me in music. The difference is that in that case, I have a coping mechanism or a way to get out of this "trap." Music is inherently played with others, and as such there's a sort of expectation for me to be at a certain level which isn't present with programming. Furthermore, I play with a group, which means that there are concerts and real "deadlines" or "targets" that I need to hit, with the consequence being that I'll be humiliated and maybe even kicked out of the band. Those also don't really exist when I program.
But most importantly, I found something to practice over and over that won't get that boring. The real books.
Yet I still find myself not exerting myself fully while practicing, whether being distracted by my computer/phone, or ending practice prematurely, if that is to say I even practice at all, or practice the "hard" parts instead of playing something I already know.
I guess life is hard.